Becoming a Mom
Before my first son was born in 2016, I worked a full time job, a part time job, went to school online full time and still managed to date my husband, serve in church, work out every day, and have a social life.
My schedule may have looked crazy to some people – sometimes it definitely felt overwhelming – but it was MY crazy. And I loved it. Crazy worked for me. It was a part of my identity.
When we found out we were expecting a baby, I had the utmost confidence in becoming a mom. After all, I was already a self proclaimed master multi-tasker. How hard could it be?
So, that was it. I would stay home and Mike would be the provider. We knew it would require some faith financially, but we also knew God would provide. And, He did.
When Andy was three months old, Mike got his official acceptance into Local 73 Sheet Metal Workers. He was a union man!
A Little background
To put this into context, my family owned their own construction company when I was little. I spent almost my entire youth in construction yards, at Truck shows, and learning how to run a crane.
When Bongi Construction closed in the 90’s, my dad was still a union man, an operator for over 20 years for Local 150. I was darn proud that my husband also became a union man; because I knew, first hand, how well we were taken care of, and I knew that Mike would now be able to offer our family the same support.
Almost seven years, lots of schooling, and an official Local 73 Journeyman card later, Mike is more than happy to be where he is.
I wish I could say the same.
Mistaken
I learned quite quickly that being a Stay at Home Mom was not as elementary as I had assumed. It was the total opposite.
Out of all the jobs I had, motherhood was, by far, the hardest.
Never in my life was I so exhausted, confused, anxious, doubtful and drained. But I also never experienced the joy or love I felt when I was cradling Andy in my arms, watching him explore every new scene and sensation, or hearing him coo and giggle.
It seemed a fair trade, so I did my best to embrace this new normal and tell myself how lucky I was to have this opportunity to stay home, and that I was wrong – almost ashamedly so – to be unhappy.
A new opportunity
Andy was five months old when I was invited to an online party for Usborne Books & More. An avid reader myself, I had stocked our house with books for my baby boy the moment the test read positive.
The consultant had asked if I wanted to join, and truthfully, I did NOT. I had my own salon at 23 and closing those doors was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn’t know if I could handle failing at this.
But I also had over $100 worth of books in my cart that Mike was not going to approve of. Financially, it made more sense to join for $50, and get 10 books plus the opportunity to earn some extra cash.
That was the best decision I almost never made. My book business boomed – and quickly. I had a team of over 20 girls, promoted after a month, earned hundreds of extra dollars, and almost $1000 in free books.
This was what I needed; this was something I could work at without actually being at work, goals I could strive for and accomplish and see.
Oops! I did it again.
Two years into my little book business and I suddenly felt that same loss and confusion I had when Andy was an infant. It shouldn’t have taken as long as it admittedly did for me to realize that these same feelings were arising after the birth of my daughter. I realized that it wasn’t just the hormones, it was full blown postpartum depression.
Postpartum hits every woman differently.
For me, it causes a case of mistaken identity. I doubt who I am and what I’m doing. My worth becomes blurry and entangled in the lies of the world.
By social media standards, as a SAHM I should be able to have an impeccable home, Pinterest worthy meals, hair and makeup selfie ready at all times (ok, that one isn’t very hard for me – I learned how to get ready in under 5 minutes in beauty school), and kids that are beautifully chaotic.
Beautiful disaster
Instead, I was spending my days catering to my customers instead of my kids, popping frozen meals in the oven, and yelling at my beautiful babies for needing me. The business that brought me joy was now a burden. My health was fleeting, my mental stability was wavering, and I refused to ask for help.
Rather than seek God and trust that I was good enough as a mom, I continued to seek other avenues to fill the gap that was growing larger. I developed a desire to help others who want a more natural approach to health and wellness, I went back to my beauty roots and started educating and empowering women on makeup and skincare, and while I found success and joy in both these places, my soul somehow still felt lost.
It was like I was living someone else’s life.
Changing seasons
Last winter, my family and I anticipated the arrival of baby 3. I thought I was rock steady mentally; I was in tune with my body and my mind, I was thriving spiritually as I was daily in the Word, and, come on – I had done this twice already! Baby 3, I was sure, would be a postpartum breeze.
Wrong.
Maybe it was just the season we were in – covid, quarantine, loss of loved ones, change – but this little nugget who decided to join us a few weeks early on Christmas Eve, completely knocked me on my postpartum behind.
And once again, I felt so disconnected from myself.
This time, I knew I needed help. I joined the BetterHelp app and was synced to an amazing therapist who aided me in dealing with past trauma I never shared with anyone else before.
Better Help
With my therapist’s encouragement, I took a step back from my businesses, and I started writing more consistently. In addition to prompting me to write more, she also suggested I read this book, Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst.
I cannot recommend this book enough – I think every single woman needs to read it. This woman’s words hit my heart in a way that only scripture had before. Naturally, I googled her and stumbled upon a website called Compel Training. The homepage literally read “Your writer’s soul has found its place.”
I think I stopped breathing. It felt like the Holy Spirit whispered those words into the depths of who I was created to be.
I joined when they opened registration and started writing during nap time, after bedtime, in the morning at 4 AM before anyone was awake, literally any chance I had. With every push of the keyboard, I felt like I was finding myself again.
Joy
I relived that same sense of joy I did when I was bustling my butt around like a crazy person everyday before I became a mom. I experienced that same sense of joy from submitting a book proposal that I did when I became a Red Jacket.
And mostly, I finally began to feel like I was right where God wanted me all along, sharing His truth and glory and story of redemption.
Being a mom, and a wife, and a daughter of Christ is proving to be the best full time job I could have ever imagined – once I learned to let it be enough (something I am still learning), and let it be my full time ministry.
But God has also equipped us with gifts of the Spirit, and it’s only when our will is aligned with his that we can be fully immersed in true joy. Compel has given that to me; a community of believers who seek to share the love of Christ by sharing our unique and predestined stories.
New mercies come in the morning
I never saw myself where I am; sitting at my kitchen table, kids napping, writing next to the big picture window, contemplating motherhood and the mistaken identity so many moms experience.
It’s not easy to admit defeat, or let go of an image we created for ourselves. I still see my fellow book bosses and wonder if I made the right choice letting go. I now share on the blog about our naturally well journey, motherhood, and my faith.
I no longer feel like I’m walking in someone else’s shoes, but instead, feel like I am running my own race, staying contentedly in my own lane.
So, to all my fellow moms who may feel lost or like they’re living a mistaken identity themselves; know that you are loved beyond all measure. Know that God is faithful, His word is true, and know that His grace is sufficient for you. There is no shame in seeking counseling, asking for help, or trying to find a community besides the one consisting of little humans you birthed.
Make no mistake, Mama, our ultimate identity is anchored in the Hope of Christ. When you start to feel lost, I encourage you to remember that there is a Shepherd calling you by name.
All we need to do is slow down and listen.
I hope this was encouraging for you! I would love for you to be apart of my email community! You can join HERE for weekly encouragement and more!
Want more Motherhood Mondays? Check out other posts from this series HERE!
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