In a world where we run fast and furious on a crash course for our selves, marriage stands in stark contrast to that. And I don’t mean the marriages that have ended in divorce or disdain. I mean, the marriages that persevere into longevity and withstand the weary that inevitably comes.
A child of divorce, I am all too familiar with the many reasons husband and wife choose to call it quits. I’ll be honest, there have been many times in my anger and overwhelm I have believed this was best, too.
But praise the Lord I have a husband who stands firm in this covenant we have entered into. Because marriage is just that; a sacred promise to endure and endeavor.
'And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. '
Galatians 6:9
For years this verse stood as my anchor for the long and exhausting days of motherhood. This verse was when I realized my call was more than being a mom, but this was my very personal and pinnacle ministry. These children were entrusted to me and while I love all the mom memes about how hard this role is and all chaos that comes with it, I also cherish being a mom and view it as some of the most sanctifying and truly hard work women can do.
Today, as Mike and I celebrate 8 years of marital bliss (by bliss I mean you can probably hear me curse from down the street when it gets real blissful), I’m suddenly awestruck at how incredibly accurate this is for describing marriage.
As I always do, I had to take to the keyboard to flush out the millions of tiny thought bubbles that are breaking away from the center of my mind and I am sharing them with you as the 8 things I have learned so far in 8 years of marriage.
The list might surprise you, it might frustrate you, or (I hope) it may encourage you.
- Wives must love submissively
- Husbands must love sacrificially
- It’s ok to be the first one to say sorry
- Never underestimate the power of forgiveness
- Take a walk, don’t throw a shoe.
- Don’t stop dating
- Don’t Assume (you know what they say about that)
- Keep Jesus at the center of everything.
1. Wives must love submissively.
Before the feminist keyboard hero’s jump at me for using this word, hear me out.
For as long as I can remember, and quite literally up until a couple weeks ago when we were dissecting this verse in Ephesians during Bible Study, I viewed this as the ultimate curse word.
To submit seemed to mean to admit defeat. It is such an unattractive word and it truly triggers an era of women.
I haven’t done the research, but Im willing to bet (and I am not a gambling gal) that this verse is one of the most used in the fight for feminism. I mean, we have fought too hard to blast WAP and buy our own drinks and play the games the boys do in both work and society(can you sense of my humor). Why would we want to sit back and submit to a man?
But, loving submissively is not what you might think it means. Here is what Paul actually says;
' Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. '
Ephesians 5:22-24
I could do a whole study on just this verse (and I just might) but for the sake of the context, I am going to do my best to make this more concise.
First of all, this isn’t a call to action to every woman. This is specifically to wives.
Secondly, we need to read the entire ten words. Yes, wives are to submit (insert cringe face of so many women) to their husbands.. but it doesn’t stop there. Paul doesn’t leave us hanging in the wait of our gasp. We are to submit to our husbands as to the Lord.
Why is this important? Well, If you don’t know Jesus, then how could you submit to your husband as to the Lord?
This call to action isn’t for everyone because it is impossible without a relationship first with Jesus.
Loving submissively does NOT mean putting up with abuse or tolerating a dysfunctional relationship. It means respecting my husband, trusting him and the decisions he makes, allowing him to lead instead of pushing my own desires and agendas.
Truly, what I have learned (and am admittedly still working on) is that when I give Mike respect (ie; don’t roll my eyes, hold my tongue – when appropriate, don’t throw the shoe – more on that later), even when I don’t agree or when he frustrates the hell out of me, not only are we able to move forward quicker, but its almost like a marital mushroom pops down and we gained another life (super Mario anyone?).
2. Husbands must love sacrificially.
Unfortunately, we get so caught up on wives submitting that we completely miss the call that husbands have – which is WAY more controversial and – dare I say – difficult.
Because husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
' Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. '
Ephesians 5:25-27
Do you know how much Jesus loves you? So much that he DIED for you.
That unconditional, selfless, and almost reckless love is what husbands are supposed to demonstrate. But, again, this call is for husbands who personally know (not just think He’s real) Jesus.
It might shock some to learn that Mike is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met because he (for the most part) is one of the most self controlled and kind humans you will ever meet.
While he absolutely isn’t perfect, I am so grateful that he truly does love like Jesus. And when he fails, he never hesitates to make it right.
'This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.'
Ephesians 5:32-33
What I have learned is that when our husbands love us like Jesus, and we respect them as we do Jesus, we are quite literally experiencing the profound mystery of our faith, we are living a little piece of heaven on earth.
And the devil hates it.
3. It’s ok to be the first one to say sorry.
'Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. '
Ephesians 4:26-27
PRAISE THE LORD being angry in itself is not a sin. Acting out in that anger, however, is.
Did you know the devil is real? And guess what, he HATES God. Why? Because he wants to be like him and he can’t.
So when we are experiencing this divine mystery within our marriage, you better believe you will be spiritually (and honestly, sometimes physically) attacked.
What I have learned is that my husband is going to make me angry. We are going to have disagreements and fights. Marriage is not a promise of eternal bliss. But, when these things happen, it’s ok to be the first to apologize.
When we were getting married, one piece of advice we kept getting was “never go to bed angry.” While this is great and part of the command from Ephesians, there’s no practical solution to follow.
When we seek forgiveness over feuds, and refuse to let the sun go down on our anger, we are not only growing in grace within our marriage, but we are actively pushing the devil and his schemes out of our doorway.
How do you not go to bed angry? Someone has to be the first to forgive, and it’s ok to be the one.
4. Never Underestimate the Power of Forgiveness.
If you don’t know Jesus then you may not know that the greatest forgiveness ever recorded was nailed on a cross in calvary.
Redemption is one of the greatest gifts given to humanity and it’s available to every single person who chooses to believe.
While the forgiveness offered by Jesus covers a multitude of sins, that is not what I am talking about for marriage.
I want to be clear that if you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, only Jesus can redeem that. You are not called or expected to bear that burden.
However, I have learned that forgiveness within our marriage can not only redeem a night, but redeem a part of our soul.
Mike and I are celebrating 8 years married but we’ve been together for 15. And within that first half of our relationship, we experienced our share of pain and suffering. Mostly caused by me.
The forgiveness Mike extended to me showed me something I never knew existed. It healed me in ways I never could have imagined, and it taught me in a very real and practical way about who Jesus is.
Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to do in marriage because we are told constantly that it’s all about our “self”; All about how we feel, all about what we want.
But forgiveness, forgiveness is self-less.
5. Take a walk, don’t throw a shoe.
What is not a shock to many is that I have a loud mouth and a big personality. It is (and always has been for the 15 years we’ve been together) a stark contrast to Mike’s quiet and soft personality.
Opposites attract, right?
So, it probably isnt hard to imagine that when quarrels arise, you will most likely hear my boisterous voice through the window, not my husband’s. In my defense, the good Lord created me with some super heavy and intense emotions that I, at 36, am still learning how to regulate.
What I have learned about handling these intense emotions when disagreements and fights arise, it’s best to stay quiet and walk away. Even if every muscle in our body wants to throw the shoe.
Take it from me, the shoe will only dent the fridge and cause more trouble than walking away will.
It is ok to allow a situation to breathe and allow yourself to pray through the hurt and the hard. Just because we want to say (or do) something, doesn’t mean we should.
Self control is a fruit of the Spirit, it isn’t something we can cultivate in our own strength. Sometimes taking the walk will help me let the Spirit speak into my hardened heart and soften it where it needs to be.
6. Don’t stop dating
I wish we were able to do this more often, because the fruit of this is so great, but with only one set of busy grandparents, dating doesn’t always look like going out and “having fun.”
But, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
Mike and I have had to get creative with making time for just the two of us in our small house that is filled with three rambunctious kids and two dogs.
What I have learned is that its not what were doing, as long as were doing it together. Sharing some quiet amidst the constant chaos is so crucial to protecting the flame that ignited this whole situation in the first place.
Friday nights after bedtime spent with a comedy or movie we can’t watch with the kids, some pretzel bites, and chocolate cake can be more rewarding and relaxing than any extra curricular activity.
7. Don’t Assume (You know what they say about that)
I am no marriage guru, but we have been together long enough to both know and struggle with this one.
Communication is probably one of the greatest pillars in a relationship, and I would be curious to learn how detrimental it is in their collapse.
Work, sports, serving, homeschooling, home projects and parenting all pose a threat to congenial communication. Our weeks are spent constantly running from one area to the other despite our excessive attempts at growing slow.
What I have leaned is that when it comes to communicating in our marriage, it’s always commendable to speak clearly. Don’t assume the other person knows or has inferred whatever you want or need. Assuming only makes an ass our of you and me.
When we are able to confidently converse, it helps to strengthen us. I often need to remind myself that my husband knows me better than anyone (besides Jesus), but he is not a mind reader.
Is it nice to have someone take the initiative and just do it (like Nike)? Yea. And there are so many moments I am thankful that he does this, and yes this is for sure an area I strive in (thank you amazing intuition). But to expect our significant other to always anticipate what we want or need is selfish and unrealistic.
8. Keep Jesus at the center of everything
The biggest difference I have discerned about the quality of worldly marriages versus christian covenants is Jesus.
I am convinced that you cannot have a 40, 50, 60 year marriage where both husband and wife are still in love and thriving despite the years of wear and tear without Jesus at the center.
Why?
Because humans are too selfish, our sin is too desirable, and our heart is the most decietful organ in our body.
I have learned (but not mastered) that when both me and Mike are regularly in the Word, attending church , and serving together, the little arguments and frustrations are drastically lower.
However, while it is so important for both husband and wife to grow in grace and knowledge of Jesus together, it should never hinder our own walk and relationship with our Savior.
We are called to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, and soul. Yes, even more than our husbands and kids. Because when we love and abide in Jesus, we are able to love the others in our life well and worthily.
We love because He first loved us.
Without God sending His Son to redeem us, we couldn’t have the Holy Spirit working within us.
And without the Holy Spirit, it is all too easy to get consumed by our culture and choose to quit when marriage inevitably gets hard.
This list is by no means exhaustive. And I definitely have a lot to learn when it comes to marriage.
I pray continually for perseverance and grace, always seeking to serve the Lord in this incredible mystery I get to be apart of, and also thanking Him for bringing me someone who not only provides and protects me, but loves me as Christ loves His people.
Whether you are engaged, newly married, or celebrating decades alongside us today, I pray that you, as Paul instructed the Galatians, would not grow weary of doing good – the good work of the Spirit within your marriage – and would not give up.
Because sister, we have an incredible testimony within our love story, and an incomprehensible glimpse of heaven within it.
If you want to stay in touch and receive authentic + biblical encouragement straight to your inbox, then let’s connect! You can join our growing community here!
